The past week/month have resembled Chutes and Ladders a bit…climb
up the ladder, work on good habits, work on focus, tippy toe out of my comfort
zone, then Whoosh! Down the chute of a hospital visit or a weeklong headache or
chaos I have to wade through but can’t alleviate. I am not sure why this surprises me—I think
it’s just that some days life feels like The Most Endless Game of Chutes and
Ladders EVER (anyone who has ever played this game with a three year old knows
what I mean…and unlike Candyland, you can’t really “help” the spinner avoid
that last giant slide right before the finish. There is no Queen Frostine card
that can magically get placed at the top of the deck…not that I have ever done
that. *cough).
Slogging through some of my resolutions (side note, this
January feels pretty endless), I am confronted again by the reality of how much
of my mental energy is spent summoning the will to climb the ladders, and
finding the peace to not wail in despair while I’m going down a chute AGAIN.
Reframing in gratitude helps. Yoga helps. Even gentle yoga during the weeklong
headache helped. Keeping up with the
simple habits (morning devotional, etc.) helps when the bigger stuff seems
hard.
I am also realizing more and more how much of life is not
just made up of metaphorical Chutes and Ladders, but how much of everything is
a push/pull, a back/forth, opposite moments that both work together and pull
against each other. I know I have to be braver about certain things, like being
by people (still trying), or taking opportunities that come (writing work, check),
or trying to conquer fears (booked a flight, like on an ACTUAL AIRPLANE,
CHECK). I also know that sometimes being brave or taking care of my brain means
pulling BACK from things—saying “ok” and walking away from chaos, avoiding
certain situations, working to not care more about things I cannot fix than the
people who are generating the issue care. I am not very good at this yet, and that lack
of skill creates a lot of frustration.
I need to go forth and get things done, while stepping
back/away from other things.
This challenges me.
For every flight I book (ok, one flight, and we’ll see if I
survive—and if I don’t—for the record—no regrets. If it’s my time it’s my time,
regardless of my altitude, you can’t avoid when it’s your time—that is how I
made peace with this. Ok, and I bought some of my sister’s art on a backpack on
Society6 as a reward), I have to get better at finding ways to step back from
things without feeling bad/angry/frustrated about my inability to fix things or
make things right. I’ve gotten better at
walking away—I just need to fix my response once I do—I need to figure out how
to go all Elsa on that stuff (LET IT GO, LET IT GOOOOOOO!).
But just like a three year old who DOES NOT WANT TO LET GO OF
THEIR SPOT ON THE TOP ROW OF CHUTES AND LADDERS, I haven’t figured this one out
yet. How do you let things go? My husband can just do it. His brain just sends
things on their merry way, while mine cooks up stress stew. THIS is one of my
challenges for the New Year—to channel that frustration into more acts of
kindness, or zen, or productivity. I
know I have to learn to BE more effectively, but for now…maybe I can use action
to help let things go.
And yes, I am thinking this out as I type it. I am tired of
being frustrated. And I am determined to get a blog done today—so thanks for
thinking through this with me. If you have any insights on HOW you let things
go, how do you shed frustration/walk away from situations that cause you mental
ugh (and that you cannot remedy)—please comment below. I am crowd-brainstorming
solutions here.
And now I have kind of an odd desire to play Chutes and
Ladders…
(if anyone is interested in how I am bribing myself to overcome my deep seated and long held phobia of flying, check out Anne Appert Illustration on Society6 Roses by Anne Appert --the backpacks are the right size for the under the seat item on JetBlue. :) --and there are sales all the time, I had a really good coupon for this. I maybe also got a small flying pig tote because a pig flying is about as likely as ME flying, so... yes. When Pigs Fly by Anne Appert)
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