Zen and Slo-Mo Metanoia

Of course as soon as I post Magnify the Good, I come up against a giant Monday through Friday sized barricade ala Les Miserables, but instead of a barricade built out of random wagons and barrels, mine was comprised of a broken water bottle, an anxiety tsunami (not my own, but I find anxiety contagious so it became mine), having those same old resentment scars poked this week,  still going on social media beyond my self-prescribed limit of just a quick 2x a day to post positive things and check on family/friends in medical yikes--and reaping the consequence of THAT fail (sigh, ugh, alas), driving all over Jersey as Mom-chauffeur, and the dog peeing on the floor because she was mad I left the house...twice...

At least the dog is really cute and lovable.

So many, many opportunities to practice staying positive!

Yup. That is exactly what  I di...gah, I can't even type it. I found everything challenging. I am the worst at practicing.

Full disclaimer (again), any time I suggest any kind of strategy for positivity or dealing with piles of ugh, you have to know I am saying that first of all to my own dang self, because I do not listen to me very well. Case in point, this week. 

About some things, I am a slow learner.  Zen is one of those things. Another is dancing. Some time I will tell you about my attempt at Irish step dancing in a Celtic Theater Company show...

My knees have still not forgiven me. 

Anyway, I really do want to learn, to grow, to practice healthy striving for zen. That's why I keep writing. That's why I started the new blog page. I want a "beginner's mind" (quoting Jonathan Fields).  LEARNINGS GALORE!

To that end, recently I read a quote by John Paul II describing metanoia, a super cool word that describes a radical change of ideas and mindset--the BEAR LEFT! BEAR LEFT! moment in life that goes hand in hand with the original theme of this blog years ago. You know,  Movin' Right Along with Kermit and Fozzie. :)   Life is a road trip, don't panic if you inadvertently end up in Rhode Island when you thought you were going to LA. Make the most of it.

This is where I feel the last two years or so have really been leading me--towards accepting new roads, towards radical change in a lot of areas of life while understanding that we are on a road chugging forward, not static or trapped in one spot--but perfectionism and anxiety and resistance and ugh just keep getting in the way. 

But really, don't we all have to change? Nobody is the same person they were 5 or 10 or 15 years ago.  We can all keep learning and growing--life forces us to, in some respects--and to magnify the good is to acknowledge that, really.

We don't have to be stuck in the things that weigh us down.

Admittedly, as much as I enjoy the word "metanoia", I loathe change (OH THE THINGS THAT CAN GO TERRIBLY AWRY!!!—Dr. Seuss’s unwritten sequel to Oh, the Places You’ll Go), but to keep moving on the zen path, I need to radically change my mindset over Do vs. Be, over seeking zen vs. trying to control every variable and force zen to produce itself, to demanding perfection instead of gratefully accepting and celebrating progress. 

Brene Brown’s facebook entry for January 8 clarified ALL THE THINGS caught up in my personal Wrestlemania of what the constant struggle is about, so I will let her say it better than I can. 

BRENE BROWN 1/8/19

…Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth. 

Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. 

Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Prove. 

Healthy striving is self-focused – How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused – What will people think? ….

Oh snap. 

Herein lies the heart my personal struggle of Do vs. Be.  Healthy achievement and growth vs. perfection to avoid shame of failure. This is where I need ye olde metanoia.

It isn’t that we aren’t supposed to TRY, to work, to strive, to improve, to be faithful in the little things ala Mother Teresa. It is WHY are we trying—if our trying is to be perfect, to earn approval or cosmic brownie points, to protect our mind from our soul’s feelings, we are going to be frustrated and miserable.

I can personally attest to the accuracy of that. 

This is why Brene Brown’s work continuously blows my mind. Her research opened for me (for the first time) a window into why the heck I am the way I am—and by extension into why a lot of folks probably are the way they are.  Understanding that 20 ton shield that so many people carry fuels compassion—for others, and for me. Because nobody is harder on me than I am. 

And I know that spills over into me being hard on everybody. Ugh. 

So much of my life I defined my identity in doing, in meeting some standard of perfection, of doing things RIGHT. Either do all the things scrupulously so I would get the invisible (or literal) gold star…or avoid hard and scary things like the plague, because my fear of imperfection or failure swallowed my oomph to step out of my comfort zone and try new things. 

I have missed or avoided a lot of things in life that I wish I had not, because I was so very afraid of failing, of revealing my less than perfection.

When I can’t DO, or can’t do something well, or fear I won’t do something well, I question who I am, and do I even matter? NO,  I SUCK! 

It is a slippery slope that slides me right off the road of any healthy growth.

I am learning, oh so slowly learning, that I do matter regardless of flaws and perpetual failings. Failings are lessons, not condemnations of personal worthlessness. 

Ugh.

I find that even hard to type. Like, awkward pause…mental question, “do I say this?”…then type really fast.  Weird, right? I totally believe everyone matters, regardless of what they do—that is THE critical component of a consistent pro-life world view, that every single being has dignity and worth just by existing.

I am only a preference utilitarian with regards to MY value. Meh.  Work in progress. No pun intended.

I am grateful that in recent years I have learned to recognize my anxiety and frustration with imperfection to identify WHY I am plummeting into the depths on any given day, but I can’t remotely pretend I avoid the depths entirely. Instead of “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”, now I am more “I tripped on that pile of expectations and I can’t get up!" 

An important step, I guess, but I’m still on the floor far too often for my liking. 

And that’s ok. If you are down here too—know you aren’t alone. We can get up again. We will.

I need me some more metanoia. I want some metanoia. I like saying metanoia.

also, it is fun to write metanoia

 

A radical change can be a knocked off the horse moment ala St. Paul in the biblical story of his conversion (I know, the knocked off the horse part got added in artistic representations later, but whatever, it's a memorable visual, especially you are the guy plummeting from the horse, artistic or otherwise)—OR it can be teeny tiny steps, like when Adriene Mishler says in a yoga video to take little steps to the top of the yoga mat…or jump, or float (?) or get there, "Yogi's choice". Little steps  still get you where you’re going--just choose to take a step. Little steps can get me where I’m going.

Slo-mo metanoia is better than no metanoia at all. It is the choice to change that matters.

I can’t jump right into radical change.  I am who I am. But tiny steps can lead down the road toward healthy, positive striving, too. 

I can practice tiny steps to self-acceptance (which helps me accept other people, that is why it matters). With practice, I can keep movin’ right along.  I choose THAT. With practice, we can all keep movin' right along...in a way that is healthy, happy, and hopeful.

How do you approach changes large or small? How do you make peace with the uncertainty in moments of change? Where have you seen your own "metanoia" moments? I learn so much from the things people share...

Also, how the heck does one "float" to the top of a yoga mat? How is this different than hopping? gah…