Zen and Stepping Away

The past few weeks have simultaneously renewed and decimated my faith in humanity, even with folks I personally know.  Not surprisingly, this weird dichotomy has not been a real Zen-builder. But it has brought home to me the idea that sometimes the best way to preserve zen in relationships is to step away.

Not RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Ala Monty Python, more Homer Simpson fading back into the bushes kind of stepping away.

I know, I know that Reverend Mother in The Sound of Music says “you can’t run away from your problems! You have to face them!”  And please, this year has been about facing my fears, doing the thing, etc. Sometimes, though, the best way to face something is to step away.

People matter. Relationships matter. Humanity and dignity and respect all matter. Witnessing the love and support that have surrounded our friends Levi, Tommy, and Mason in the last week has been such a Zen builder, because this love and support reinforces the paramount importance and gift of our shared humanity.  My love grows when I see other people acting on all the gifts of love.

borrowed from the internet, because yes. 

Witnessing so many of my friends own their truths about painful experiences they have had—this is a painful Zen builder, because truth ultimately does lead to peace, albeit sometimes by a circuitous route. Courage and standing in truth also reinforce the paramount importance and gift of the dignity inherent in every human being. My courage and sense of truth grow when I see other people standing in their truth.

this seems appropriate

Witnessing some of the really hideous, uncaring, and hateful things people have said in this past week has been like a gut-punch to my Zen.  And as I sit by my computer or phone, holding my stomach and saying OW in dismay at what some friends are publically saying, as I feel my peace and respect being eroded with each post I scroll through, I realize it is ok to step away.

One of the prayers of my childhood ended  with “I firmly resolve, with the help of your (God’s) grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin”.  Sometimes avoiding conversations/situations/arguments is the right call to preserve the good I am trying to foster.  I can’t control what other people say or do or think—I can only control me. Unless Cadbury is involved, then any sense of control is off the table (and likely into my mouth).

 If I want to be a better person, I need to stand up for what’s right—and standing up is much more effective in person. The veil provided by social media, the space a keyboard creates seem to foment an environment in which friendships are destroyed as fast as fingers can type. So much about the discourse I have seen hacks away at compassion, relationships, humanity, dignity, respect. Disagreeing is one thing. Respectfully stating different opinions is healthy…but somehow these practices seem to have fallen by the wayside in an increasingly shrill discourse that fills the interwebs at a terrifying rate. The ability to spew something out and have 500 people instantly see it is not necessarily an advance for society.  

Relationships are important. I’m not a spring chicken, making friends is hard at my age!  I want to keep my friendships. I am trying (with way little success so far) to create blocks of social media free time during the day. I find this challenging because the course I am teaching is online (ie computer is always on) and I keep obsessively checking on our friends who are sick—for those moments, social media is the most positive of game changers.  And ok, Candy Crush. But three clicks into Facebook or even news articles and I get sucked into the ugly, and then I can’t focus on anything.  

Facebook has this wonderful newish feature called “snooze”—where for 30 days you simply don’t see a person’s posts in your feed. You are still friends, you are just avoiding the tsunami of ugh that maybe they are generating. You can avoid losing respect for people who you know in a face to face conversation might say very different things than they say when empowered by the veil and space of internet ranting. You can avoid the near occasion of yikes.

The effect on my own peace of mind is almost instantaneous. 

Like this kind of peace of mind.

It is ok to disengage--a therapist once told us this when Dave and I needed advice on some stuff with one of our children. It is ok to walk away. Many times THAT is the better choice.

Stay informed-yes. Know what is going on, absolutely. Get sucked into an internal maelstrom or internet fight when someone types or shares something so obnoxious that you stew about it all day….yeah no. There’s Zero Zen in that.

Sometimes the real zen is in stepping away, in continuing to love and respect from a safe distance WITHOUT engaging in destructive rhetoric that ultimately gets NOWHERE (much like we were counseled to deal with our child). Sometimes the real zen lies in holding onto what we know is true and right and being living  lights of those things – lights that will  hopefully will illumine the way back to healthy friendship again.

That’s my hope. Even though it sounds like a Velveeta Fest of Extreme Cheese—that is my hope. So—I’m here. Trying to hold on to what I know is true and good, trying to feed my soul with all the good I DO see people doing each day, and hoping that soon we will collectively remember that we truly are all in this life together, let’s not waste it in ugh.

And don't be alarmed if you hear the crunch of Cadbury coming from the hydrangeas... ;) 

One of the prayers of my childhood ended  with “I firmly resolve, with the help of your (God’s) grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin”.  Sometimes avoiding conversations/situations/arguments is the right call to preserve the good I am trying to foster.  I can’t control what other people say or do or think—I can only control me. Unless Cadbury is involved, then any sense of control is off the table (and likely into my mouth).

 If I want to be a better person, I need to stand up for what’s right—that standing up is much more effective in person. The veil provided by social media, the space a keyboard creates seem to foment an environment in which friendships are destroyed as fast as fingers can type. Everything about the discourse I have seen hacks away at compassion, relationships, humanity, dignity, respect. Disagreeing is one thing. Respectfully stating different opinions is healthy…but somehow these practices seem to have fallen by the wayside in an increasingly shrill discourse that fills the interwebs at a terrifying rate. The ability to spew something out and have 500 people instantly see it is not necessarily an advance for society.  

Relationships are important. I’m not a spring chicken, making friends is hard at my age! J I want to keep my friendships. I am trying (with way little success so far) to create blocks of social media free time during the day. I find this challenging because the course I am teaching is online (ie computer is always on) and I keep obsessively checking on our friends who are sick—for those moments, social media is the most positive of game changers.  And ok, Candy Crush. But three clicks into Facebook or even news articles and I get sucked into the ugly, and then I can’t focus on anything.  

Facebook has this wonderful newish feature called “snooze”—where for 30 days you simply don’t see a person’s posts in your feed. You are still friends, you are just avoiding the tsunami of ugh that maybe they are generating. You can avoid losing respect for people who you know in a face to face conversation might say very different things than they say when empowered by the veil and space of internet ranting. You can avoid the near occasion of yikes.

The effect on my own peace of mind is almost instantaneous.

It is ok to disengage (a therapist once told us this when Dave and I needed advice on some stuff with one of our children). It is ok to walk away. Many times THAT is the better choice.

Stay informed-yes. Know what is going on, absolutely. Get sucked into someone saying something so obnoxious that you stew about it all day (while quite likely THEY have gone on to play Candy Crush or something)….yeah no. There’s Zero Zen in that.

Sometimes the real zen is in stepping away, in continuing to love and respect from a safe distance WITHOUT engaging in destructive rhetoric that ultimately gets NOWHERE (much like we were counseled to deal with our child). Sometimes the real zen lies in holding onto what we know is true and right and being living  lights of those things – lights that will  hopefully will illumine the way back to healthy friendship again.

That’s my hope. Even though it sounds like a Velveeta Fest of Extreme Cheese—that is my hope. So—I’m here. Trying to hold on to what I know is true and good, trying to feed my soul with all the good I DO see people doing each day, and hoping that soon we will collectively remember that we truly are all in this life together, let’s not waste it in ugh.