Ok, so that is a little melodramatic, but subtlety has never
been a strength of mine. My loud face gets me in so much trouble at faculty
meetings, I legit have to stare at my notes whenever any person is talking—because
even if I say NOTHING, my stupid loud face says all the things that one should
never say at any meeting.
But I digress. I haven’t even started, and I am digressing…this
does not bode well.
BUT—I am determined. Words are both powerful on their own,
and empowering, and my inability to write ANYTHING after telling our family
story two or three years ago alarms me.
Our penchant for falling into statistically improbable bad
stuff just finally caught up with me, I guess, and I lost all my words. For the last twelve and a half years I have
been pushing a Big Rock around. Sometimes I can really get it rolling.
Sometimes I end up squished under it for a bit (ok, for years at a time, 2004-2006, and then for a couple of months in
the summers of 2008,9,10, then 2011-2013, then June 2014, then three months of
2016…*cough).
Recently, I just got
stuck. Kind of like this:
Obviously I did not fill the last few years with art lessons. |
And by recently, I mean for like, two or three years. Maybe
longer.
Last year my Survivor Kid had whooping cough, technically “pertussis-like
syndrome” since she had been vaccinated—hers was a “mild case”.
On a couple of occasions last winter/spring we thought we
were going to lose her. Like, in my
kitchen. Mild my fat fanny. I can’t imagine how horrifying the full blown
version is…
For whatever reason, that particular pitfall on Mount Yikes
really derailed me. We had made it
through brain tumor hell AND high water and a stupid regular illness FOR WHICH SHE HAD BEEN VACCINATED could make
my kid choke and turn blue in front of us?
The ER doc who finally gave us a diagnosis was remarkably understanding
about why the two psycho onco parents in front of her were in full blown HELL
NO mode.
mom note: the whooping cough booster seems to last about 5 years, so...you all might want to check on that. And just because one HAS whooping cough does not mean they are now perpetually immune. Fricka Fracka...
Even a year later, Survivor Kid’s little sister still gets twitchy any time Survivor Kid coughs.
Even a year later, Survivor Kid’s little sister still gets twitchy any time Survivor Kid coughs.
This situation put about 4 tons more on the Big Rock, and
added 15k elevation to Mount Yikes.
Mount Yikes was already pretty steep, school was tough, work was tough,
life was life. Everyone has tough. That is what life is…we certainly have zero
monopoly on Mount Yikes…
….And then we lost some of our long time BT and NF friends
in the fall. I still don’t have words for that. So I shall just speak that dark
moment, that moment that flattened me for a month, and try to keep pushing up
the hill.
Since early fall I have been working through things, really
focusing on exercise, and yoga (remarkably helpful, even 20 minute “Yoga for
The Ridiculously Inflexible” videos that I do at home, by myself, where only
the dog can laugh at me. I talked to a
doctor, and got some help getting my personal chemistry back in place. I am trying to read things that will help or
inspire me—even if I haven’t OPENED Full Catastrophe Living, it’s waiting here
to be read. I am talking to God. I am
making an effort to connect more with other people, because I kind of moved
into a bit of a cave on Mount Yikes during the last few years.
It is a work.
But I will do it. And
– well here I am. Writing something while both of my girls are at their new
schools, doing great. My son—at his school, doing great (no random broken bones
in January this year, well, not for him, just for third born. But we managed
it.) I am planning a two day getaway
with Dave for the summer, it’s been two years and we need to just have a couple
of days near the ocean, just being.
The work is working. The Big Rock is slowly moving.
I still have trouble reading my words about Survivor Kid and
all our family went through. We still live with the late effects of that
journey every minute of every day. I read things I wrote years ago, in our life
“Before Brain Tumors”, and I almost can’t believe that I wrote them. Nothing like being at a youth group thing and
realize folks are acting out a funny skit you wrote 42,000 years ago. I used to be really sharp and funny, not just
scary. And you know what, I can work back there
again. This is a first step. Not perfect. I am trying (as always!) not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Let's do this.
Big Rock has gotten mossy from sitting in one place for so
long. So let’s get moving.
❤
ReplyDeleteYou have so many family and friends who love you. Hugs and help pushing that big ugly rock.
ReplyDelete