Meh.
Anger is easier than grief.
Action is easier than waiting.
Doing is easier than being.
Action is easier than waiting.
Doing is easier than being.
The last few months have been a bit like emotional whack a
mole around here—just when our heads come up above the earth after some loss or trial, WHACK! things
happen and we are back underground, holding our heads and thinking well, THAT
was ill-advised.
Over the last year I have worked hard to build habits of
self-care. Not pedicures and bubble baths (um, no, don’t touch my feet), I mean
taking time to set my foundation each morning…morning prayer, reading a chapter
of a book that makes me think (right now that is New Seeds of Contemplation by
Thomas Merton—blowing my mind), exercise &/or yoga, THEN starting the
doing/action part of the day. My hope has been that these grounding,
foundational moments to start the day will help me steer my mercurial self
through the REST of the day.
Honestly, and to my surprise, they really have.
But in seasons of EWaM (Emotional Whack-a-Mole), these
things are a work. A WORK. In the
parlance of Simon & Garfunkel, my mind’s distracted and confused/my
thoughts are many miles away. I have to
keep re-focusing during my brief morning routine as I find myself staring off at the willows in my yard. I got on the yoga mat this
morning and today’s practice in the 14 day challenge I am doing was a
restorative breathing/meditation/stretch practice. About three minutes in, I
had to spazz and BLAGH out loud for a minute and then refocus. I DID NOT WANT
TO RESTORATIVE BREATHE. I WANT TO WARRIOR AND BALANCE AND FOCUS MY HURT AND
ANGER AND EVERYTHING ON SOME UNFORTUNATE DRISHTI! (the thing you stare at so
you don’t fall over in balance postures). I NEED FRENETIC ACTION!!
Ultimately, I am glad I did the breathing thing, after my
initial ugh. I need to learn how to be,
to wait, even when it is painful. I can’t hide from emotion by moving rocks…although
I do love some landscape therapy.
Doing is easier than being.
I am trying to learn how to lean into the grief, the powerlessness,
the ugh of hurting for friends. Granted, I am a slow, slow learner, and my
learnings are mostly fueled by my Cadbury stash and the chocolate ice cream I
bought for Dave. The work of re-focusing
and re-focusing over and over on just being, on sending love from afar, of
gratitude for the friends rallying to pray for miracles…it is a wearying work.
But I am grateful to have friends to hurt for, if that makes sense.
Here would be a great place for the “And So I Have Learned
and Solved this By….” Moment.
Sigh. A great place.
But I have not yet solved the weariness of the work.
I do understand now
how gratitude is central to everything. Every. Thing. I am so grateful for the
little annoyances in my day. I am so grateful that one of my children tends to
follow me around. I am so grateful that this fall we are not starting each week
with chemo. I am so grateful that I have a house to be a perpetual mess.
Gratitude has become the rope that helps me find the anchor of hope.
So even on a day of abundant MEH, I am grateful and hoping,
even if I’m frustrated and now a little queasy from eating too much chocolate. I guess really, finding Zen is more about the
process—it is not an endpoint or destination, just how we can navigate life in
peace—even in the midst of storms.
I am determined to learn this. May need to stock up on
more Cadbury…
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