Well hello.
So, about May…
Yeah. I kind of missed that month.
At the end of April I hit a wall. Figuratively, not literally, thank goodness. I did that one time in rage and I think I sprained a finger, so don’t hit a wall, people. Between working more, family stuff, friend stuff, life stuff, all the stuff, my words just got clogged. And as all good procrastinators know, the longer you put off something you meant to do, the harder it gets to do it, and the worse you feel about procrastinating, and then a vicious cycle of ugh takes over.
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my wall
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Even with art, I hit a wall. Once I finished a gift for my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, I floundered about a bit. No project seemed right. No ideas really came. Even my attempts at sketching ideas felt meh.
Not everything fell apart. Everyone here still ate regular meals (with a not unreasonable number of foraging days), I found a better rug cleaner for my dog who anxiety or rage pees when we are not around, laundry is done and mostly put away. I did go to work regularly. I drove everyone where they needed to be all the times. I have not missed a day of my home yoga practice since January 1 (will write about that another time). I threw a 50th birthday party for my spouse and a graduation party for my miracle child.
I bought nail polish. That took weeks to get myself to do. The weird internal struggle is real, peoples.
I couldn’t even post little inspirational quotes on the MRA page! You know, the one I created to actually make myself do the thing of trying to be encouraging and real and using the ugh of so much to maybe help folks bear their own ugh. I couldn’t even write a line on a page and post it. What the what??
Someday I will figure out what this kind of creative resistance is about, or why I can do one thing energetically and then crash or wander.
But I have also realized that this is kind of just me. Facebook memories serve to remind me that I am always juggling things, always trying to make time, always trying to find energy, always affected by the weather…in the last 10 years, that has not changed a whole lot, and if I try hard to think back to before social media reminded me of things, I have to admit I probably operated the same way.
Accepting that is key to addressing my own patterns and self-limiting beliefs (ie I never get anything done, I am a slug, etc).
Now that I know I am done subbing for the year, it is time to regroup. Last week I floundered all week. Today it is time to get Movin’ Right Along again.
The wall is always there, but I can keep climbing. I still feel a deep responsibility to do SOMETHING during the time of medical reprieve we have been in for a couple of years now. I know to the depths of my core that this zen time can change in a heartbeat. Literally. I have to use the time. So many of our friends are in such tough places right now. I have to use the time.
And at the same time—I have to figure out how to navigate a new season for my children (always a new season, it’s like getting shoes for a 13 year old boy, you finally find the right pair on sale and in the right size and two days later the kid has outgrown them. Urp. Yay, growth, but urp to the constant re-mapping of the way of things!). I have to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe it’s just to stay the course, to do the little things, to just do the next right thing?
Whatever the case may be, I am done being paralyzed by the questions. I can do the next right thing.
Today I get back on track. I will not edit this to death, or let it sit (like the little pencil sketch here) on my craft table for a month. Even my picture of a wall hit a wall. Doh.
Movin’ right along…
Today is the day.
Also, now I am singing the Broadway Shrek. TODAY IS THE DAAAAAY…..
Hm.
